1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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