When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
