I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize