My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
