look no pants
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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