My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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