She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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