I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
