I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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