I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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