life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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