That's intense
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
