I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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