Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
