there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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