rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
