Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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