He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
