3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
