I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
