When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
