So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
