Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you will always have a special place in my vag
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize