i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
