I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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