Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
