I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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