oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize