I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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