Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
