I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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