I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
