Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
