I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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