Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Are we still banned from the library?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
