You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
