I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
