i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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