true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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