I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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