can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
