he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you had me at cake vodka
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
