Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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