Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
