I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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