mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
