He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We are all done wearing pants today
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
