so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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