just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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