To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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