Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
