she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
