so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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