apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
