I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
