Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
