i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
