My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
