I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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